Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
No English word language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Only four words end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula".
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Itís a Wonderful Life".
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open (DON'T try this @ home!)
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister. (Presbyterian)
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
Now, go eat that chocolate bar..........EEEEWWWW!
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.
Men and Women ‑ There is a Difference!
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men ‑ but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes ‑ there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up a good‑looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman ‑ before marriage and after marriage.
Top 50 OXYMORONS:
Oxymoron \Ox`y*mo"ron\ , n. [NL., fr. Gr. ???, fr. ??? pointedly foolish; ??? sharp + ??? foolish.] (Rhet.) A figure in which an epithet of a
contrary signification is added to a word; e. g., cruel kindness; laborious idleness
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
1. Microsoft Works
BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse On the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream
"Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-ho and I'll give you a Bit-O-Honey?" What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too! She screamed, "Oh your Crackerjack tastes better
than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth!
30 Years Makes A Difference...
1974: Long Hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: Acid Rock.
2004: Acid Reflux.
1974: Moving to California because it's cool.
2004: Moving to California because it's warm.
1974: Growing pot.
2004: Growing pot belly.
1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2004: Trying NOT to look like Brando or Taylor.
1974: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2004: Popping joints.
1974: Killer weed.
2004: Weed killer.
1974: Hoping for a BMW.
2004: Hoping for a BMW.
1974: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2004: Getting a new hip joint.
1974: Being called into the principal's office.
2004: Calling the principal's office.
1974: Screw the system!
2004: Upgrade the system.
1974: Peace sign.
2004: Mercedes sign.
1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1974: Take acid.
2004: Take antacid.